As we move into the Christmas season the Newell house find’s itself watching all sorts of Christmas specials. We have the old standards to watch, Frosty, Jack Frost, Charlie Brown, The Grinch, the list goes on we also have Christmas specials with vegetables, panda’s, animals marooned on an island and of course one with the guy you see in this picture.
Which of course reminded me of the original movie, and prompted my wife to ask if I ever felt like Donky from Shrek. Yeah I realize that I just opened myself up for all sorts of comments, I’m okay with that. The specific scene she is referring to is the one in the first movie when Shrek is getting ready to go on his epic quest to save the princess, he asks for volunteers to join him and well …http://youtu.be/NF95MMcn_B0
I feel this way sometimes in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to the calling that God has placed on my life, the desire to fulfill it, the need to have a clear indication of how that’s supposed to happen, and the revelations that come each time I move toward something that resembles not just what I am but who I am. I seem to be great at being the second or third, and well there are times I just want to say pick me pick me.
Here’s the thing. I find myself being content with waiting and where things are for a time, but like so many things in life the ups and downs make me melancholy and I think about all that I was and all that I want to be. I still have times that I ask God to just remove the desire to pastor from my life. To take away the calling that he gave me and to leave me alone when it comes to that side of my life. I have no desire to abandon my faith, just would be great to abandon the calling. To put up my hands and say forget it.
So many day’s start by me suiting up, finally applying the cowl of I’m okay with it and starting my day. The real deal is I can pretend for a while that I am. I can even fool myself into believing it for a while, but then the days grow long, and the walls close in and I sit a shell of the person that I was, going through the motions of life feeling inadequate, and unwanted. Thankfully this is not a permanent state of life. I know we all have the days that we feel like we can do anything, and the days that we feel like pulling the covers over our heads. The past months have been more akin to the later than the former. I know that it’ll change, it always does. I know how blessed I am to have the family I have, to have the wife I have to have the girls. Nothing is better than Me Me giving me hugs or being full of joy when I get home from appointments at night. Amberly will come up in the morning and just drape her arms around my back or give me a hug and say I love you. Zoey makes sure I know she wants some snuggle time. J will scratch my back or hold my hand. These things are better than gold to me. They sustain me. They make me know I am loved. They should be enough, and in most instances they are but I still feel inadequate. I still feel less than whole and those are the times that I just want to jump around like Donkey and say Pick Me Pick me. I want to say it to the churches I apply to, to the ones that I would apply to, to anyone that will listen, and I want one of them, just one to do it…