Getting up… over and over and over…

I have to wonder when you just finally stop getting up. I’m at this point in my life where I am finding it harder and harder to get up from the things that make me feel like a failure. The thing about being almost 40 with a calling and a life that has been full of successess and failures is that the failures tend to be focused on more than the successes. I find myself playing not the what if game, but the if only game. If only I had, If only I was, If only I haden’t. The endings to those beginnings, are the thing that drags me down.

So much of what we do is based on choice.  Life hinges on the choices that we make,  make good choices and well theoretically goood things happen,  make bad ones and it would follow that crappy things happen.  I guess for the most part this can be born out.  Behavior is a choice,  what we wear is a choice who we talk to who we make friends with,  who we pretend to make friends with.  Choices.  I believe that belief is a choice,  even if its a subconscious one.  In most churches a big deal is made about the fact that humans are special because they were created and given the ability to accept or reject God,  that somehow the angels are sub par to humans because we have a free will.  The issue that I have is there was a time according to scritpture where there was another set of circumstances,  where the angels made a choice… so are we really all that special.  That story had an unhappy ending for some of them and if I read it right humanities story is on the way to a similar ending,  those who choose to accept the sacrifice made by Jesus and make it a part of their core have a very different set of things to look forward to than those who… well don’t accept that sacrifice. 

I believe that lifestyle is a choice,  I believe that we can choose to be more like Jesus… unfortunatly for most of us we have replace Jesus with jesus.  See Jesus is the guy that walked around with 12 of his friends for three and a half years.  He healed people,  ate with people he wasn’t supposed to,  drank wine talked about the need for social welfare,  doing good even when it went contrary to the letter of the law. He held church leaders to the light exposing their hypocrisy picked a lying cheating thieving tax collector to have dinner with,  threw the entrepenures and free market economists out of the church,  talked to prostitutes,  adulturers,  thieves,  murderers and the people everyone else discounted or called unclean with love and compassion.  Then there’s jesus,  you know the one I mean,  politcal activist jesus,  republican jesus,  the one who wants us to have our best life now,  that plays golf with George W and appears on Rush to talk about how we need to secure our boarders and take democracy to the world and get our conceal carry permits because its our right and responsibility to protect whats ours. 

Finally I believe that I have a choice and quite frankly that choice… to get back up after being told no over and over and over again is just getting harder and harder to make…

Let’s face it who wants a washed out broken damaged pastor to lead any ministry in any church…

So much rings hollow and that makes it all the worse.  I only pray that if God opens a door at some point I will remember that grace,  mercy,  forgiveness and love are not reserved just for the sinner and are not mutuallly exclusive to the saint.., they are for everyone,  weather I think they deserve it or not.

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