It’s been an interesting bunch of weeks and months at the Newell House.
Kids are growing like weeds. Marbles are leaving their jars left and right and I am really trying to think about that before I react and say things. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. In those failings I actually find myself talking it through with the girls, I have come to the realization that while the issue that has brought about the frustration is, well one of those situations that being frustrated makes sense and may even be justifiable, but self justification is just a way to wall ourselves away from so many things. Sure it’s hard to sit down with Amberly and tell her that I’m sorry for reacting the way I did, but it is my hope that if she see’s her dad do it, she will look for that quality among others when she starts getting more and more interested in boys.
There are other things that have been happening. I so look forward to men’s breakfast. Sometimes I wish it would happen more than once a month. The chance to sit down with other guys is important, sharing struggles and just talking has been a great blessing. I am blessed to be making friends, something that I had pretty much stopped doing for a while. My loss, that’s one of the things that really gets me, all of the stuff that I stopped all of the walls that I built all of the anger that I held onto at myself and others, yea it only hurt me, well me and my family, which is one of those things that I will be bringing to God on a pretty regular basis. I have been falling more and more in love with J. This woman that God gave me and then gave back to me is amazing. Lately I have been pretty grumpy due to the whole trying to eat healthy and all that good stuff. I like the way I feel eating this way. I like the way I’m starting to look, but I don’t like the part that has me not getting to eat what I like to eat. She is great though, just soldiering on and making me realize that it’s better for both of us to eat better, to lose some and to be around longer.
I am enjoying helping out at Powerhouse. It’s been a great way to get back in the swing of things. Back to ministering to being a part of a church instead of being a person that attends… which brings me to the next part.
I have been given a possible opportunity when it comes to being what I am, what God has called me to be. What I mean is it’s been made clear that I am a student ministries pastor, that’s who I am that’s what I am built for. I love working with students through college age. Watching them grow and mature in their faith. Listening to them worship, being a part of their journey of faith is one of those things that makes me feel most useful. This perfect storm of things started to happen a couple of months ago. One thing about those kinds of storms is that you can ride them out or let them ride you. In the past I have let the storm ride me. Taking things to mean what they didn’t, allowing the storm to be more important than the one that makes the storms, wow that was yeah sorry for that way to obvious comment. The point is I want to be in God’s perfect will, and I believe with all my heart that I know what that perfect will is, I believe he has been putting little things in my path to show me what that perfect will is. I believe that, and I don’t. What I mean by I don’t is that I just can’t see things being what I think they are supposed to be, I can’t see it happening. I look at people and I talk to people and I think that they must be looking down at me or on me or whatever. Pretty lame huh? See there’s a bit of elitism in a person who sees themselves as the underdog, the broken unusable person. It’s so easy for me to take the mess that attempts to rear it’s head at times when things start going a certain direction and make others the ones that are bringing condemnation, or judgment, or disapproval. I’m the one that is doing those things so why do I push those feelings off on them, especially when there is no real reason to feel that way. I read too much into things sometimes, and I am fairly certain that this is one of those times.
I just want to remain breakable. I want to stay in that Lego state of life. I believe that this is what God has but if I’m wrong I want to be okay with that, and I’m pretty sure I will be. I’ll be disappointed of course, and if I were to be really transparent I’ll probably be a bit surly for a few days but that will be because I’ll be upset at myself for feeling the way I will end up feeling. If it’s not what I think it’s going to be, if it’s a no then I still get to work with a great group of people, I still get to pour into the kids that are in powerhouse, and perhaps those in Middle School if they need some help at some point.
So what am I asking, I’m asking that you send some up if you think about it. I want this position, and I believe that it’s what God is doing. So if you want you can pray that this happens, however in addition to that I would ask that you pray for the outcome to be what God wants more than what I want. If God has something else in mind then that’s what it is, which brings me to my final request pray that I’ll be able to have the right attitude about not having the desire of my heart. If this is not what God has, I’m going to need some grace to keep walking in the path that we are in, and to keep my thoughts and heart in the right place. I want it there. I want to be what he wants me to be I want to be where he wants me to be, I want to be used by him. That really is the desire of my heart. The human side though will be disappointed, the human side will get upset, the human side will want to point fingers and assign blame. I have said and will continue to say that my Blog is here to hold me accountable, to be a place I can say what I am thinking and feeling and what God is doing or not doing in my life. I am continuing to use it as such.
Thanks for the prayers and for reading.