I tanked…these would be the words that I would use to best describe a recent interaction.
I wonder sometimes if my ears are working right, I know J has been doing so for a while now, and while the ears she is talking about are different than the ones that I am talking about the comparison can’t be ignored.
See with my physical hearing I find that there are times that I am focused and can hear everything, then there are those times when I get distracted, not a difficult thing, and I just don’t hear anything. J has threatened to get my hearing checked. It’s strange I can hear Jo wake up with her door closed music on, one floor away, but I can’t hear whats going on right next to me…some of that has to do with focus though. I get into thing’s and when I do if you ask me questions or try to engage me I’m going to say huh because I’m lasered into whatever it is I’m doing.
Spiritual hearing though is different. I used to be so sure of things when it came to hearing from God. I would see what God was doing, I would be able to recognize obvious road marks. There was a sureness about things. Now I think I am hearing from God, I think I am seeing Him ordering things. I think…I even pray and feel a deep seated call and a longing to be…but, and that’s the problem, but. I don’t have that sureness that I used to be able to have. I second guess everything. I look at what looks like God showing me a path, and I wonder if it’s God or if it’s just me reading too much into things. I don’t know.
Here’s the thing, I just need God’s help in this. In Mark a man has a son who is demon possessed. He comes to Jesus and asks for his help. He says help us if you can…Jesus looks at the guy and I can almost hear the tone in his voice. “if I can?” it’s almost like Jesus is saying wait a second you do know who you are talking to. If I can help him. It’s all down to belief. Then the man says what so many of us need to say, probably on a daily basis. The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”Mark 4:29. See thats the thing I believe…for the most part…but then there are the times that I just don’t the times that I believe that I’m to broken, too damaged, to… fill in the blank. Those are the times that are hard.
Do I know what God is doing. I think I do, but then again I probably don’t.