Today was the day… The multi person interview. I have had what I would call nervous energy up until today with the other interviews but today was the first time I was really nervous through the whole thing.
I love what God does when it comes to our past. He consistently looks at us through the lens of his son. I don’t think he just ignores things, on the contrary there are definitely consequences to our actions, it’s just he doesn’t hold our mistakes in his hands and parade them in front of us to remind us of how far off the mark we are, no we do that on our own. Some would say that it’s the devil that reminds us of our shortcomings… I don’t really want to give him that much credit or that much sway over my life. No I do a good enough job of remembering how much of a screw up I have been.
That’s what made today so hard. God has shown me the importance of being usable by him, he has shown me how my pride has run my life, how easy it is to fall when we think we can take care of things in our own power and ability. He has shown me that he put people in my life to make up for the areas that I am not the best at. He also let me realize that me telling him what is and isn’t usable is just stupid. I realized months ago that I was the one that was using the past as a crutch. I was telling God that he couldn’t use me, that the calling he put on my life was all fine and good, however I made mistakes that would disqualify me from the race… I know I was wrong, completely I get it, I also know that there comes a point when I have to stop using the past as a place to hide from my calling. The successes and failures I have experienced have built me into a better man. They have made me like me better and have shown me how sorry it is to put God into certain areas and to leave him out of others, yeah I know not rocket science but it’s something I had to learn the hard way.
So what’s this all mean? I finally have gotten to the point where I don’t lead with the mess, and while I don’t hide from it, having to slog through it again can be disheartening. I can look at it and attempt to read what the people who are asking the questions are thinking and the next thing you know I see the glass as laying on its side with all the milk spilled out and not a paper towel in sight.
The thing is… well this says it best…” For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.” Sometimes I can see that promise and sometimes I have to choose to see it even when I’m not feeling it, sometimes I have to pray and remember he said he will listen.