Sometimes my blog really just writes itself. I sit down after reading and praying and things flow, or there is some great visual that I see that just makes the words stream from my fingertips.
Sometimes it’s a struggle to figure out what to write, the interesting thing is that many times when that happens I really want to write. I sit down and open up the editor and stare at the this big blank expanse and feel my brain telling me to get to it, to put my hands to the keys and write something already. The funny thing is when this happens I’ll leave the editor up and come up with all sorts of reasons to get up from the chair and do something real quick. Sometimes I’ll think that I need to warm up my coffee, or change the music, or I’ll load the dishwasher real quick. Usually when I do sit down to write it’s when I have put Jo down for a nap, a process that can last from 20 minutes to 3 hours. When this happens of course I use her as an excuse as well, checking in on her to make sure she is okay or still asleep or whatever.
It’s not like I have nothing to write about. I am reading in Mark and almost finished with Paul. I spent yesterday listening to all sorts of great music, I even thought at the time of a few really cool blogs that would come from any number of the songs I heard, I have seen some interesting things as well, including 2 vultures eating a deer in the middle of Muddy Branch the other day, surely that should have garnered something blog worthy right?
Oh look my coffee cup is empty… and I’m back of course in addition to making a cup of earl grey hot, I remembered that I had to bake some bread, so I put that together and it’s rising on the back of the stove.
I guess the whole thing makes me wonder. How I can feel this need to write, and yet I can’t always get anything deep and meaningful out every time I do. Then it hit me. Sometimes I don’t really need deep and meaningful, sometimes light and fluffy works too. It’s the writing that’s the important thing right?
As I read through Paul’s letters sometimes I wonder different things that relate directly to what I’m talking about. I wonder if Paul ever called over whoever was listening to him dictate on any given day and I wonder if he said. Hey I feel a need to write lets write a letter, then all of a sudden he thought of all the other things there were to do or if he got off track or if there really wasn’t anything pressing to say he just wanted to do the deed of writing, to have someone else hear or see what was going on in his brain…in his life.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begin to place myself on the same level as Paul, far from it, but he was a person just like I am, he did a lot of his teaching and preaching through the written word. I do ALL of my preaching through the written word at this point. I can say that it’s not nearly as satisfying as it could be or should be, and every once in a while I am positive that J wants me to actually preach somewhere, mainly because she has to bear the brunt of living with someone called to be a pastor, without a congregation. She will even say, “you really need to get to preach soon.”
I wish I had the answers to this. I wish I had the ability to just make a church want me, or all of a sudden have a huge group of friends who decide that there is a need for VERITAS. I ask God to show me or lead me or whatever it is he is doing, and I get these glimpses of possibilities. They happen and I get a little bit excited only to have them fall apart. I don’t like that part of life, the waiting, the believing the hoping. It gets harder and harder to do.
So I open up my laptop and I sit down and decide I need to write and then I do all the other things that “need” to be done because ultimately I end up feeling like it’s never going to happen, and that I’m going to be relegated to putting out the things that are in my heart and mind and that come from my time of study and observation on this blog.
So I wonder, what’s next, I pray for it, I ask for the grace to be able to wait and for the willingness when the time comes, and I write because that’s all that’s left at this point.