I love to write, it’s one of those things that I get a lot of joy out of, even when I am read by all of three people the world over I enjoy getting words on screen and out into the great wide world. I try and write something at least every other day and there are times when I get it in my head that I am going to be sure and write every day, that usually lasts a week or two and then there are huge chunks of time where I don’t get anything posted. I am still writing on those days, but it’s in fits and starts, if I look at the draft folder on what I use to post to my blog I have at any given time several drafts working at once, pop over to my tablet and there are notes of ideas for blogs, or thoughts for talks or messages I would love to one day preach. Evernote also will have ideas pasted into it on occasion, and of course it goes without saying that the girls all four of them that are an integral part of my life give me ample material, sometimes I just don’t get the thoughts down in time or I realize that I need to handle with care when it comes to them.
What this means of course is that I am sitting in my parents living room, one night before we head back to DC, listening to Kings of Leon, and thinking back on what this Christmas has meant to my folks, and to my family, I am also thinking about the previous year. As the night winds down and well, as the year winds down I am left with a mixed bag of feelings for 2012.
Spending the majority of 2012 banging ones head against the wall, working to bring a fresh outlook and minor changes to an organization was such a waste, at least that’s what it seems to have been. I will never really understand why change is so hard for some and so easy for others.
2012 found the world surviving not one, not two but three, count them three possible end of days scenarios the first two perpetrated by some nut with a radio show, the third perpetrated by a bunch of other nuts who decided that because a group of people didn’t add 2013 to their massive calendar it must mean that we would all be singing how fine we feel even though it’s the end of what we know…why do so many of us worry so much about the end of the world, especially those of us who claim to be Christ followers, wouldn’t our time be better spent living moving and having our being in Christ, to be actively showing the people around us how to join us in our trek through this life, and eventually into another?
This year has caused more questions in my life than it has given answers. I want to know the next step and the next and the next, this is unfortunately not the case. I have realized that as much as I love student ministry, and being the youth guy, I’m past the sell by date on that one. Waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror after the shower to realize that there is more and more white in the old beard, as well as watching the stubble on my head that I now shave because, well hey I’m going to be in charge of how my hair leaves, also with more salt than pepper in it is very telling. Far from being finished with ministry, I do believe it is time to step into a different place in the work that God has called me too. Frightening, of course, but also very exciting.
J just brought Jo down so I could see how much she loves her sister’s blanket. Looking at this little girl that is part of me and realizing that in 10 years she will be 11 and well I will be 49, that too is hard to believe. I have no idea what happened. A few months ago it was just the two of us, a few weeks ago it was the three of us, I swear it was just last week that we became a family of four. Now there are five of us and the oldest is 10.
I am so blessed to be married to what I would argue is one of the most intelligent, beautiful and loving individuals on the planet. She is beautiful now, just like she was 18 years ago. That also amazes me I can close my eyes and see us as all those years ago, and I wonder when we stopped being newly weds and when we became just weds.
I think what this particular bit of stream of consciousness ramblings is doing , for me at least, is bringing some things into perspective. There are so many milestones when we first begin life. Those big important moments in life that mean we have made it through. First words, first steps, first day’s, Graduation, for some more than once, first real job, marriage, and children. All these milestones are important stations in life, but then…well they just stop. There really aren’t that many milestones left for us. We get to enjoy our children’s milestones but the next couple for J and I are pretty much retirement and death. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning on either of those any time soon and I’m not trying to be morbid or anything, it’s just that I have come to the realization that the thing that kids the world over strive for. the thing that I always worked toward, the whole being an adult, it’s not got the same excitement of being young and having the world ahead of you.
The problem with looking at life through the lenses of age, and hindsight, is that you realize that if there really was a Delorean that would hit 88 mph, and if you could use it to travel back in time, with the knowledge you have gained from the mistakes, failures, brilliant ideas, and successes. How different your life would be, but also how much less you would be who you are. How much those issues and bad choices, and good choices, and mistakes and successes, how all of it has made you into who and what you are. Taking it away from the you from years ago would somehow cheapen your life, and make it impossible to really be a force for anything in the world today.
Ah well as the night winds down, and I take stock of where I am and who I am, I realize that while I’m not really happy with some things, I am more blessed than most. I have seen so many sides of life, and those things have made me into a better person, and hopefully, prayerfully, a person that isn’t done yet.