Something has been bothering me for a while now, and it started doing so again yesterday. I’m not very good at some words. I can take responsibility for things, I can admit I’m wrong, I can feel really awful about mistakes and choices, promises made and not kept, lies of omission, walling up my mind and heart, keeping people that I love and that love me at arms length. I can be repentant and sorrowful, I can do all these things, and in fact have, but there are these two words that I seem to have an issue with. I’m not sure why I have such a hard time saying them. The feelings are there the remorse is there, the desire for forgiveness is there, all of it but these two words just don’t come, and I’m not really sure why.
I wonder if it is because all of our lives we are told to say things even if the situation doesn’t merit it. We are told how to talk and how to look and how to sound. We are told what is right and what is wrong, what is respectful and what is… well not. We are told when we should be sorry and we are told to say it even if there is no real reason to. I have even found myself telling my children this even if there is no real reason for it. The words “just say you’re sorry” make those words seem cheap, and yet sometimes the words are necessary, its the coupling of the words with the actions that makes it really worth it. I like to think that I have been moving in the right direction with my actions, that I have been doing the things I need to, taking care of my family, keeping my heart in step with God’s heart, being open to whatever the next steps are. Still the words are very important and I need to work on that as well.
I’m sorry, sorry for blocking you out of my life, sorry for the times I’ve lied, sorry for the times I’ve squandered your trust. I’m sorry for not being the Man that God made me to be, I’m sorry that I have fallen short of the guy that was so on fire all those years ago. I’m sorry for my temper, and for not thinking before I speak. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, and for going silent, I’m sorry that I have not looked at you as my team mate. Most of all I’m sorry for not realizing that the words are important and that you need them and that I need them too. I’m sorry for not saying I love you enough, and for not telling you how awesome you are and how good you really do look. I’m sorry for putting others before you.
It’s funny how I have taken so much for granted in my life. It’s also sad.
I guess the important thing about this particular post is that it’s an admission to myself that I still have such a long way to go. I still am being molded and shaped into something. I want my thoughts and feelings and musings to mean something not just to me but to the people who read them. I want them to help. I would venture a guess that most of us can relate to portions of this post. The thing is the meaningful words are not always I’m Sorry, those just happen to be the ones that I have issues with, for some they could be I love you, or your special, or I need you, or Help me.
More than anything this post seems to be turning into some strange DR Phil moment but it’s not meant to. If you know what your meaningful words are, and if you have been stingy with them, why not take them out and let them see the light of day. Say them to the person that needs them, and then back them up with actions.