Coffee, one of the greatest gifts sent down from Mt Olympus since the invention of the dual shock controller is an integral part of my life. I love coffee, there’s just something about it that makes me happy, and content. There is also something about sitting in a coffee shop with free wifi drinking said ambrosia while watching out the window at the action of the strip mall.
I know that I should be writing, it’s one of the reasons I come here, to write, and I guess I am when I update my blog. This however is only the beginning of the task, I need to get at least 3000 words a day in on my book, not sure who will want to publish it, if anyone, but still it’s a task I have set myself too and I’m further now than I have ever been. This fact is important but more than that I have not had any desire whatsoever to change the book this time around. I know I’m doing it wrong too. I know that I should just keep writing until I finish that last page, not looking at the other pages or reading over them until it’s all done and I can send it on to someone who may be interested in helping in the editing process.
As much as I am enjoying the writing process, as much as I love all the things that go into it, and as much as I would love for this to become a way of supporting my family, I’m not holding my breath. I’m great at being second or third, a fact that really bugs me given that I have always said second place is first place loser. So who knows, how does a person even go about getting a book to a publisher, much less to a publisher who will take them seriously enough. I realize that the writing is for me, as is this blog. I look back on the posts that are here and realize that there are a lot of them, not counting the ones that I archived some even have comments, which is even more important to me because it means someone is reading me, and I can hope and pray that I am ministering on some level, that perhaps my words bring comfort or challenge the faith of others or whatever it is.
The answers I’m looking for today at Star Bucks though are different. I’m looking for answers having to do with my place, where do I fit, how do I continue to work out my relationship with God when I’m so tired. There are only so many almost there’s that a person can handle. Only so many times a person can go through the process of putting themselves totally out there and of working on relationships with new people before the cynicism and fatigue set in. Only so many churches a person can go to, so many sermons they can hear that are full of the right words or the right phrases. I guess that’s really it, I continually see the cracks in my armor, but I also see the cracks in others armor as well.
What’s the purpose whats the point of a church, or a faith, or a relationship if it’s not really fulfilling the needs of the person involved in the relationship? Whats the point of a church if you’re not fed, the point of a faith if your not made better by it?
People have said that God has something very important and big for me, He’s just getting me ready, it’s all there to be had patience is the key. They encourage me and they tell me it will be okay, they pray for me (something I greatly appreciate.) I know that they mean well, I know that they believe everything that they are saying, and I desperately want to believe with them, I even tell myself I do… but then I find myself sitting here with my vent pikes place roast and I realize that I’ve built a cardboard house of belief when it comes to my place in God’s plan. I know all the things that are supposed to be and I know all the words to say, but the faith deep down is struggling to get to the size of a single particle of talc much less that of a mustard seed.
I just pray that at some point in the next couple of weeks answers are forthcoming.
Thanks for reading