Lets Review Shall We?

I thought I may start this entry by saying what many of you already know. Immanuel’s decided to go a different direction, to say that I was kinda well devastated isn’t the right word but really disappointed is the correct term, would be an understatement, to say the least. The thing is I knew that it wasn’t going to happen, not necessarily because it wasn’t supposed to, but more because that’s just the way things go. I don’t get the position, I get to the last round and end up being told that I’m great but, it’s always I’m great but. A few years ago I made the statement to one individual that my career as a minister was over, I didn’t want to believe it but it seems more and more like it is. I think the worst part about Immanuel’s was that they hired the husband of the middle school pastor to be the high school pastor. I don’t have a problem with them hiring this guy, great if you want to promote from within I totally understand that, however the thing that really bothers me, the problem that I really have with all of this is not that they hired him, it’s the way in which they went about hiring him. It seems they went out of their way to prove to the members of the church that nepotism wasn’t involved. “Look we interviewed several other people for the position, we narrowed down the field of candidates and had the best of them come teach in the youth group, then we took two separate votes.” I somehow don’t think that the guy hired had to go through the same process that the rest of us had to go through. I don’t really believe that they wanted to get someone else, I get the distinct feeling that they wanted to pull one over on the congregation. Wouldn’t it have been better for everyone involved just to do what they were going to do in the first place? As I sit in Starbucks I think back to a comment made by the Children’s Pastor to me one Sunday when I took the family out so we could check the church out, this was after my interview with him and the rest of the student ministries pastors. “No matter what happens I just want you to know that I really like what you had to say about discipleship and it’s importance, keep doing what you are doing.” Why he said those words held no meaning for me until the other day when I read in the online church bulletin and found that they had hired the guy that they hired. He knew things, I think he knew what they were going to do, I think he may even have had a little bit of a problem with it, and in his own way was trying to tell me that I was still relevant, and while I appreciate what he was saying, he doesn’t have all the information.
J has been telling me to get registered for the Praxis for months, to figure out what ED classes I need and get my education certification so I can teach. She has said to do this and I have always made lip service to it, the thing is I don’t want to be anything else. I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy subbing, and I would love my own classroom, but thats only on the surface, it’s not what I am, or was as it were. I was a great youth pastor, a great young adult pastor, and a great leader in the district at one point. I enjoyed what I did, now I’m just a 37 year old unemployed schmuck with a baby on the way and a lot of questions for God and myself.
I still pray on a daily basis for God to take away this calling he has placed on my life, to make the desire to be in full time ministry go away, I ask Him to leave me alone, He doesn’t, and I must admit dear reader that there are times I think that it’s because I deserve the misery that I’m in when it comes to the whole ministry thing.
I said months ago now that we can render the gifts and callings of God in our lives moot. That we can through our actions become unusable. I have to question if my mistakes have done just that, made me unusable. I know other people who have made the same or worse mistakes who are not only in ministry but seem to be thriving there, getting the proverbial slap on the wrist and told to trust God and all that.
It’s fine you know, I get it, but I hate it just the same. I’m really trying here, trying to not be depressed, trying to not let it get to me, trying to still want to be around the church and I just have to say this, it’s getting harder and harder to do. I don’t feel like being in church any more, I don’t’ feel like being around church people I don’t feel like listening to preachers spout popular opinion and platitudes. I want my life back. I want our life back, but then I realize that this is the life that we are in, it may not be the life we were called to, but it’s the life we are in and I am responsible in part.
Several people have said that God must be holding something great for us somewhere, that the perfect thing is just around the corner, J has even said that there is something coming that’s the perfect fit. I wish at times I had that faith. I just don’t know about any of it any more. I’m not having a crisis of belief I ‘m having a crisis of faith, big difference there.
They are right about one thing though, there is something great coming around the corner, in October there will be another life that is going to exactly what it’s supposed to be and we get the privilege of guiding it and nurturing it and watching it grow.
I’ll be back again soon dear readers. I hope you will too.

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