Dear Self

Dear Self,

Remember when you could do anything? Remember when you were able to leap tall buildings with a single bound (in your mind at least)? Remember when decisions were simple and conversations lead to something more, when your ideas and dreams made a difference? Remember when you had hope?

There was a time self when the gifts and callings of God were more than just pipe dreams and thorns in your side. There was a time when you not only heard from God and knew you had but were able to act on it, to see that things were going in a direction.

Remember when you were not poor? When you could do things that you wanted?

Now dear self do you remember when it all went away, when it all went wrong? Do you remember the day you decided you didn’t need to do things the way you have taught others.  The day that you started doing things in your own strength.  Leaving God to bless or not bless whatever I was doing, when things went well God was happy, when things went wrong people didn’t understand what was supposed to go.  

Pride, the bottom line in my life has always been pride.  Four years later the pride is gone,  not just the sin part but all of it .  I look back and wonder at times if any of it made a difference.  I look back and wonder.  

The thing about this whole situation is I’m called and gifted.  Makes it even worse to be sitting not able to do the things that I am made for.  To feel like not only am I not heard, but also that the things I say and feel don’t count or matter much in the grand scheme of things.  

It has to do with the idea of not deserving or feeling that I deserve to make decisions or have opinions.  I feel like I have to just do what ever is asked.  

God isn’t that way with us and I know it.  We all need to understand that God has given us a life and intelligence and gifts, and callings, and while I know that and believe it for everyone else, I wonder for myself.  

So what does it all mean?  Well simple I guess.  It means that I sit, I wait, I pray, and I cry, not always on the outside, but daily on the inside.

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