Humanity, myself included, lacks so much when it comes to being what we were designed to be. Still it would be so much easier if the God that I belive in were more available. I dont mean that he’s not, I know I can talk to him whenever and find myself doing so increasingly, but thats not what I mean. I mean that there are times in my life where I wish that God were actually sitting next to me, physically. I would like to be able to look him in the eye and as why questions. I would love to see him sit there and squirm in his seat. I would love to be able to take him to task for where things are in life. I would like him to feel uncomfortable as I interrorgate him for all the problems that he has allowed to come my way.
Now before you take me to task for what I just said, and before you tell me that I’m being disrespectful of God understand I’m not. While I would love for all those things to happen, I realize that they never can or will. Mainly because in my humanity my view of God is so finite. I personify Him, just like carttoons personify animals, or comercials personify food, and that dear reader is the problem with Huminty as a whole and with Aaron in particular.
Starting with the concept of grace and mercy we humans fall way way way too short. We don’t have a clue what true grace and mercy look like. We fail to offer it to the people in our lives, we justify our feelings and actions giving them all sorts of religious names, we are righteously indignant, we are being angry but not sinning, we feel godly sorrow, yes I know I put a small g mainly becasue the sorrow we feel has nothing to do with God. Moving into the realm of love we have a twisted and sad view of what real love is. I think the only way to come close to understand how God loves us is to understand how I love my kids, and even then it’s a poor excuse, mainly because I can normally count on some reciprication from my family, God has no such guarantee.
You get where I’m going with this. For me to think I have any hope of standing up to God the way I talked about in that first chapter is one of those things that has to be marked in the poor human catagory. I can see God looking at the beginning of my life and the end and all the things in between and telling me. You have no idea. He would be right, and I am trying my best to be okay with that.
Every so often when I feel like the calling that God placed on my life and the giftings that he gave me are just going to dry up and wither because of my mistakes, God sends a reminder that he called me and chose me and he is the one that will choose when that is over, and while I get tired of the glimpses I have to take them for what they are. God showing me that he loves me even when I"m frustrated and don’t understand him. God telling me that it’s going to be okay and that I’m not forgotten.
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