The Man that I’ve become.

What a difference the years make.  This year J and I will have been married for 18 years,  18 years together with this really beautiful woman who knows me and my quirks and my failure and my success, and for some reason is still with me. 

Much has happened in those 18 years, I have been at the top of the world so to speak when it comes to ministry,I have watched God bring two of the most important, beautiful and special people into existence and then see fit to let me be their daddy,  I have obtained and lost the best job in the world,  I have spent time running from God, running to God, begging for my wife’s life,  pretending that I could get away from the calling I was given.  I have gained experience that I never thought possible, I have laid out fleeces (not a practice I believe God really condones) given ultimatums, learned to accept help, and realized that I still don’t always make the right decisions. 

I love the way The Message renders Phillipians 2:12 Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God.  I like to think that I have been doing this, even though there are times that I must admit I have failed at it miserably.  What I have come to realize is that I don’t have a clue.  I have this one perspective on things,  I have one way of looking at the world and at our lives and my life in particular and I think that I have God all figured out and my life all worked out.  I think that I have the ability to see that I know better, that I know what God’s going to do and what He’s not going to do.  I look at what was and what is and make decisions on what can be based on what I would or say if I were in God’s place.  

See I have a great ability to apply God’s word to others lives but when it comes to me the promises are different, they don’t mean the same thing,  they are for someone else.

Lately though I have a picture of God that is decidedly different from the one that I had most of my life.  I used to think that God had these big huge toes.  I know that seems silly but I pictured him sitting on this throne and me standing in front oh him not even coming up to the top of his pinky toe.  Silly really while I believe God is big I don’t necessarily think it’s a size thing any more.  The picture I have from the recent future when God looks at me is of him looking down at me with a questioning look in his eye, followed by a shake of the head and a laugh long low and hearty.   In that look and laugh it’s Him saying "well you thought you had it all worked out, you thought I or the world couldn’t use you, you thought your gifts and callings were irrelevant and not important any more, lets see how you do with this"  the WHAMMO, something comes from out of the blue and makes me realize that I haven’t got a clue as to what God is going to do or how He wants to use me. 

I can say without a shred of doubt that I now know that I’m not finished when it comes to ministry.  I may not know exactly what it looks like.  I may not know exactly how it’s going to work itself out, or I may, I may have realized that the door that seems to be opening is for me and my family to walk through.  The truth of the matter is that parts not really important.  What is important is that I’m finally willing to walk through the door that God opens, to take steps that just a few months ago I thought impossible and improbable. 

So for what it’s worth I’m still working on my life being energetic, reverent and sensitive before God,  this is really what he wants from all of us,  A life lived chasing hard after Him.

Here’s hoping.

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