The past few days have been really rough. I have been sick, I dont do sick well, I am sitting in a room with a vics thing that helps me breath and a cup of coffee to stimulate my lungs a bit, asthma medicine helps a bit but there is more to this. I always rush back a day after I get sick, this time I tried to slow down a bit and get well, and while I feel better today than I did on Tuesday I still do not feel myself.
Still sitting on ones postterior is not always the best thing to do, therefore I went on ahead and did some leg work to get the title for the paperweight that has sucked up money like Charlie Sheen sucks up booze. I had made some calls and was told by some DMV employee that if I couldn’t find the title but I had the Bill of sale that would be fine. Just bring the bill of sale in and all will be well we can issue the title to you. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. DMV in MD said nope they have to have the title, but DMV in VA which is where we bought the stupid thing, possibly is differnt. Yes well upon speaking to the individuals after driving and standing in line I found that this is not the case, whoever told me that it was was mistaken, I need the title, I can always have the guy I bought it off of get another title. Same day if he goes in, 3 to 5 days if he does it on line, 2 to 4 weeks if he does it by mail. So I have dutifully tried to get ahold of the idiot I bought the car from, and have been looking for the title at home ever since. Not a good thing as I still have that elephant sitting on my chest.
I know this may seem like a rant about the stupid mistake that I made, yet another in a long string of them it would appear, but that is not really what its about, I have looked in the places the title should be 3 times over, I am now looking in places that it could be or has no busienss being, in doing so I ran across old pictures and letters, and wow what a difference 18 or 19 years makes. First the pictures, young thin all my hair and if I look closley a fire and desire to make a difference in the world. There was such excitment an attitue of bring it on. I look at the pictures of me and of J together when we were younger and dare I say happier and I wonder what in the world happened. I’m no longer thin, I no longer have hair, by choice of course, and the make a difference in the world attitude has been ground out of me, I can do anything has turned to I hope to do something, don’t bring that fire over here in fact here’s a fire extinguisher use it, and you can keep it whatever it is because one of the things I have learned in the 18 to 19 years since meeting my wife, who incidentally deserves sainthood for putting up with me, is that IT can get you into all kinds of mess and bring with IT heartache, misery, and failure. Measuring the Aaron of today with the Aaron of that bygone time makes me realize that I dont mesure up at all to him, in fact I have let him down in key areas of my life.
Along with the pictures were the notes and letters, a much more telling ghost of Aaron’s past, rattling chains like Marley, and spouting platitudes like Jimminy Crickett in the Disney version of the beloved Dickens classic. If the picutres didn’t show a man with drive, and desire the words make it even more so. Letters to J show a guy who has his stuff together, is sure of his calling and knows where he is going to be and what God has him on the earth to do. Letters from J show a woman who has not had to deal with or go through the mess of being the Aaron of Christmas Present. A spiritual leader, a guy who could do anything, a woman who saw a man that was strong and safe and had a life of ministry laid out ahead of him to end with teaching at his Alma Matter. The man in the letters has been equally let down. I dont measure up to him either.
As I sit here writing, and coghing and writing and coughing I have some dampness around the eyes.
I have these three ladies living with me who need me to be so much more than I am, I need to be so much more than I am. I need that fire that I can do it that I fall down I get up mentality and I just dont have it. I read, I pray I ask God for direction I ask that He helps make the right decisions, I ask that doors are opened and that someone will see that I have someting more to offer the world and the church than a has been used up failure. Thats the bottom line, the thing that keeps me up that makes me upset that turns me inward, the failure aspect of it all.
If you had asked me 17 years ago where I would be December 2010 I would have told you that I would be partnering with other youth and young adult leaders for camps, and conventions while running a youth group that was reaching into the world, we would be gearing up for a Youth Christmas outreach to rival that of Extreme Home Makeover, and a Pagent that would help people realize that real meaning of Christmas. Instead I’m typing a blog post at my house trying not to cry for the things that are lost that can never be again.
Today I feel small…
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