I know, I know, I’m not writing as often as I should. I mean to, I think of things that need to be written, I plan on it but then I just dont.
Anyway. I am on the road for at least two hours sometimes more every day going to and from work, not that big of a deal, at least not as big a deal for Aaron from 4 years ago, I used to love it music playing quiet time, just like mowing the grass used to love doing that as well. Used to, so much is wrapped up in used to’s for me. I used to like going to church, I used to feel usefull to God, I used to look forward to seeing other Christians or talking to them, I used to feel connected to someting more important and special. The problem is the drive time seems to put me in remember mode, and lately that’s been difficult. I dont understand why, I dont understand how I can’t remember things that were fun just snippets of them but things that were aweful and put our lives on a path that was so very not what I ever wanted it to be, but wow I can remember in detail the cruddy parts of life. It amazes me how the human psyche tends to hang on a certain part of life and even when moving on into new endeavors and making new connections and memories the old ones pop up and make you miss people and places and things.
I have spent that past week driving home trying to drown out aspects of the past few years, places I’ve been, people I have loved, jobs I have lost. The time I used to relish for the chances it gave me to listen to music and be creative and imaginate has turned into my own private corner of hell, complete with tormenting demons that keep saying we told you so and no one will ever see you as what you once were.
Well it’s that time again. We will see what today’s drive brings, perhaps it will just be the funny lady next to me that was knitting at the red light, or even the poor shmuck that tried to drive in the HOV lane all by his lonesome in the car and noticed the cop before he went too far and tried to shoot back over to my lane, only to be stopped again.