Having spent the bulk of my life in one form of ministry or another has served to make the way I feel all the more troubling to me. See God has always been a mystery to me, and yes I know thats the way it is supposed to be, I understand that, the thing is latley I have been feeling more and more like packing the gang into the Mystery Machine and calling it a day when it comes to figuring this one out. Each week has offered new challenges, new trials, new tests, new shake my head and say what’s the point moments. I think what makes it worse is I know all the answers that should work. I know all the words that should make sense, I know all the things that I would say if I was counseling someone in the Church that I work for… oh wait that’s right I dont work in churches any more… I’m understand and accept where I am when it comes to carrer, mistakes are easily forgiven and all that from the pulpit, not so much in reality. I always have said that you live with the consequences of your actions but God doesn’t hold them against you. I can accept that.
What I’m having difficluty in accepting is why the rest of my family has to go through Hell and back. What is the point. I read about how the testing of our faith works patience. I read about not having more than we can handle, I read about counting it joy. I read these things and I can intellecually reason out that they make sense. I can even or have even sat across from someone in my office going through some terrible thing and spouted them as gospel fact, as if those words would bring comfort. They don’t I realize that now, and to all those that are reading this and have heard me say some trite religous plattitude I am sorry.
I’m not trying to be all angsty, and yes I know thats not a word, I am trying to figure out my place in a world that is slowly losing it’s draw for me. I have been looking at church for a long time and at my own faith for a while and they don’t match.
I have talked about, preached about taught about not just going through the motions when it comes to faith, and find myself doing just that. I have prayed for people to have their eyes opened and that they would be able to see God in their circumstance or that God would give them peace and comfort and the knowledge that even though it’s bad He’s still there. I have heard “if God brings you to it He will bring you through it” and I wonder why God would bring people to some of the places He does. I read about the rain falling on the just and the unjust alike, about how some are blessed and some are not.
So many sayings so many plattitudes very little real comfort, very little promise. J asked Amberly if she wanted to go to Church Sunday she said no, I understood. How do you sit in a churc service listening to people talk about how great God is when you are not feeling so great about Him?
I am so impressed with my wife’s faith, her ability to say that we can really empthize with people, the desire to still read and pray. I go through the motions, reading and praying because it’s what I should do, and if all the stuff that I taught is true, if all the things that I belived is so then there is little point to doing something like that because you are supposed to. Sure it helps develop the habit, and reading and praying is a great habit, but without real and true beliefe that it makes a difference in the grand scheme of things what’s the point.
At the end of every episode the gang pulls a big rubber mask off of the monster and all that is left is a angry bitter man who says they would have gotten away with it to if it wasn’t for those medlsome kids. I wonder sometimes if I pull the mask off what I’ll find, who I’ll find… what the excuse will be.