The last 7 months have not really been kind to the Gaithersburg Newells. December started the downward spiral, and the hill that you so look forward to going over in the rollercoaster turned pretty bad, in fact, as many of you know, January saw the roller coaster jump track as J was in the Hospital and was not given a very great prognosis. Fast forward a few months and I still have my wife, only to find that her mom, who has been one of the strongest people I know and who gave several years of her life to take care of someone she cared for now has Cancer. Not just a little bit either, if reports are accurate we have been told that J’s mom doesn’t have a lot of time to do the things she has always wanted.
J is of course devastated as am I, to make matters worse having just started working makes it impossible for me to be there physically through all of this. J is so strong and I love her but wow are the fear sensors going into overdrive for me. The masses removed from my mother in law remind me of the mass that still needs to be removed from her. I really hate this.
The title of the post is God of the rubbish heap. Why you ask? Simple I feel like we have not just been chucked into the rubbish heap, I feel like we are the rubbish heap. The things that I know and that I have studied and learned my entire life, the things that I have belived are systematically being reduced to cliche and plattitudes.
People say look at all that God has given you, a job, and you have J back, and you have two wonderful girls.
While I can acknowledge that these are good things, I have to try and figure out I have to have a reason, any reason at all that it would seem possible or good for us to have to shoulder yet anohter issue. Summer always suck for us. That seems to be the way it is but this time summer started in December and when we finally get to the end will be tragic in ways that I can not begin to fathom.
I dont even want to bang my fists against the doors of Heaven. I dont want to pray I don’t want to feel God’s presence. I want Him to leave my family alone for a while. I dont want to learn anytihng, I dont want to grow, I dont want to have patience worked in my life or my families life. I dont want to talk to God. I would never put myself on the same level as Job, there was a man who was amazing, and you know what I am not really able to. I would love it to be diffferent but I’m not so sure I would be ablet o say can we take good from God and not expect bad things as well. No I dont have that kind of faith.
I have never been a name it and claim it, super emotional follower of Christ. I dont “ride the waves of the spirit” as it were. I have always been one fo those Christians who has valued not just faith in God but also the brain that was put into us by our creator. So when I look at Job I make assumptions and conclusions, the first and foremost of wich is that Job had it all, he was rich. Second people want to blame satan for what happened, they say that see the devil did all these things to Job, not so fast, yes the devil did, however lets remember that before the devil could even touch Job a man who God pointed out as a great man as a follower of his, as a person that God loved and cared about, before the devil could touch him he had to get permission to do so. See the devil didn’t do it, God allowed it. God said sure the only thing satan wasn’t allowed to do was take Job’s life. Job had a faith that I can only imagine that I can only look at and envy and also look at and question. A faith that said hey it’s not God’s fault, and even then Job got mad and questioned God. And what was God’s answer, as I read God’s reply to Job I find myself still having the question of why.
Which brings me back dear reader to where I am and to the title. God may still be the God of the rubbish heap that is my life… but I must admit that there are times lately that I wonder if…