I have started at least five different blog posts in the past two weeks.
The thing is I really like to write, I like to hear that people like to read things. The real problem is it’s not that easy to write lately. So much is happening some of it good some of it bad most of it frustrating.
The girls are fine. J’s health is not where we want it to be and I am feeling this huge disconnect from the human race. I sometimes feel that I am looking at myself through a window it’s like there is this part of me that is cheering the me that it sees on.
Yea it’s confusing for me too. J and I have both said we would like to not have to make decisions and wow do I say that big time. It was so much easier when the decisions were made for you. When you were able to blame it on someone else if things went wrong, alas that is no longer the case.
So whats it mean, is Aaron having a crisis of belief? Has he given up on the faith of his youth and decided to branch out? Has he angered God and is he being punished for it? Or is he sitting outside the city in a pile of rubble scraping his skin and throwing dust on himself waiting for some friends to come and tell him what a horrid person he is?
Lets take the questions one at a time.
- The whole crisis of belief thing… I wouldn’t call it a crisis just a hey yo God you could lighten up a little bit moment. I still believe in God, and I am sure he believes in me as we have had our share and your share of character building.
- Branching out… no I’m not branching out. So many times when a person does not spout the right rhetoric, or vote for the right person, or hate the right people because hey we are Christians and we are supposed to show “righteous indignation” bla bla bla we like to label the person as giving up their faith. I have not given up on the faith of my youth. I am just growing in it and it’s not the way that some people think it should grow. The thing is I really don’t care much if my faith and belief in God looks like yours does, or like any other Christ Followers faith. I am supposed to work out my salvation with fear and trembling… I’ll work out mine you work out yours we don’t have time or the ability to do it any other way.
- The whole anger God thing… Who hasn’t I don’t mean to say that I think God is up in Heaven waiting to squash me when I mess up. I just think that it’s no so much making God angry as it is disappointing him, and I’m sure I have not cornered the market on that one. I think we all do. The best thing about God and the relationship that I have with Him is the fact that His grace and His ability to look at my mistakes and be sad and want me to change do not mean he is angry, besides for me it’s not angry that bothers me, it’s knowing that I have been any kind of a disappointment to anyone, especially to God.
- The Job thing… Well I’m not reading Job. Actually making a concerted effort to stay out of Job as that is too cliche’ to be honest. I used to read Job and Jeremiah when things got difficult, I may even throw in a little lamentations for good measure. This time however I am staying in the Gospels and Psalms. Go figure.
So there you have it the questions answered to the best of my ability.
We are facing things that i never thought we would face, and yes there are times when I wake up and just don’t “feel” God right next to me. So pray for us. I am not asking for goose bumps or anything. I have one simple request and I know that God can grant it.