Tug Of War

Field day’s the world over have this time honored tradition, and when I was planning camps in the NWD we usually had some form of it ever a huge mud pit or something similarly muddy. Whats it got to do with today, well we are in a tug of war.

Last night things were good. I am sure you read the post and I’m sorry for being behind today, didn’t sleep too well last night.

They were going to take the tube out today, however because J’s kidneys are so bad and the cretin number is so high they are now going to do the dialysis that they have been holding off on for the past few days.

Oxygen level dropped and they had to turn it back up, so for the foreseeable future the tube is in, they are going to try and ween her off of the breathing tube and such but the dialysis is a set back. Her kidneys have to start working and they are hoping that if they clean things out with the dialysis and continue to pump in the fluids they will jump start i guess is the best way to say it.

They are defiantly going to do a biopsy at some point of the mass on her adrenal gland and they definitely want to take that out, we just have to get her better and we have to get her kidneys okay before they will do that.

23Jesus said, “If? There are no ‘ifs’ among believers. Anything can happen.”
24No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, “Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!”

I am trying to not have if’s but it’s getting harder and harder to do. I fell like we hear some good news and I get my hopes up and I get your hopes up and then there are things that pull those hopes down. I am praying this help my doubts but I’m also asking all of you to pray, I know it’s rather silly for me to think I have to do that, I know you are but today when I went to grab my shower and just walk around I was banging my fists on the door of Heaven again. I am trying so hard to keep the positive side of things as others want to keep the negative or can’t see much but the negative but when I’m alone and walking around I see the looming specter of a life without the most important person in my world. I see having to explain to my girls why mommy isn’t coming home. I see all of these things and I yell at God and I scream inside and feel so helpless. I can’t do anything but pray and cry and pray and cry and entertain. I think thats whats so hard in all of this, I know that people need to be able to come and feel that they are a support and feel that they are helping but I wonder if they recognize that it’s a strain to have to entrain them, to try and not hurt their feelings, to try and let them go see her and not tell them to get away go home and read the blog and get the occasional call. I hate having to play the host in a hospital waiting room while my wife lays on a respirator in a room in an induced coma.

So again please pray, fill in the gaps of my prayer as they are big and looming in my heart and in my mind.

Recap

  1. Last night she was out breathing the respirator (good thing)
  2. Oxygen level dropped (not good thing)
  3. Kidneys are bad so they are doing dialysis (bad thing)
  4. They want to biopsy the mass on her adrenal gland (scary thing)
  5. My normally engaging personality that is full of good will is starting to wear thin (BAD thing)

3 responses to “Tug Of War

  1. Hey Aaron,
    a year and a half ago, my wife of 15yrs kicked me out of the house which was owned by a co-worker of hers. The next week she asked for a divorce. A week later he asked for a divorce. Two months later they were married and I was left in the driving rain seemingly without an umbrella… I was forced to live with friends until I could get back on my feet.

    I screamed and I cried to God and said, “I don’t want to be here!” Oh I wasn’t talking about being at my friends place, but (and God understood) rather at that place in life…post-divorce.

    The pain of rejection and of failure was just too great. The pain of losing my marriage was such a sting but minor compared to the agonizing pain of not being able to be with my 6 beautiful kids.
    I screamed at God and I somehow knew that He could handle it.

    Things changed and about a month after my wife married her co-worker the Lord pulled a pearl from his crown and dropped it into my life. I met a godly, beautiful, awesome woman from here in Brasil on Christiancafe.com.

    We got to know each other via webcam (really it’s like talking face to face, but the screen is non-responsive when you kiss it). She came and visited me and we got married. Now here I am in Brasil living with my second chance in life.

    Why have I written you all this? Only so that when you get on the other side of this tunnel (and you will) I pray you can see that change in you God did through all this junk.

    The fire of pain moulds us into something better, especially when we cry out to God for grace in the midst of it. It helps us to learn to depend on God (you know, that NEVER-ENDING life lesson) and it helps us to identify with what other people are going through.

    Aaron, before my divorce 2 things were a reality: one, I swore I’d never get a divorce and two, I really couldn’t identify with those who had.

    Both of which left me with a kind of smug attitude toward divorce, and a disdain for those who had succumb to it.

    There is a type of evergreen that God made whose seeds ONLY come out by the force of fire. He insured this tree would always be growing and when the fire did come: pop, pop, pop the seeds would fall to the ground.

    Aaron, I can’t know where you’re at. I’ve never had to sit by my wife trapped in a comatozed deathly ill body with the dark cloud of bad news haning over my head. But I do know what it is to sit by someone you love more than life be sick – my son has had epilepsy since 3 – and feeling totally helpless (as I would watch his little body convulse for minutes at a time.

    And I do know that you hurt and I believe you are strong and on the other side of this God is going to use that Aaron to touch the lives of people who’re in the fire of pain.

    Brother, you will never be happy doing anything except that for which you were created… knowing God and making him known to people.

    You have a gift of comunication for which I am grateful to God. Your blog is a blessing…painful as it may be.

    We’re standing in the gap for you two.
    Much Love In Christ,

    Christopher

  2. Hi Aaron,

    We heard about J and we are praying for her and the entire family. May the Hand of God rest upon you.

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