I realize that I have already posted today, so much is happening in our life right now and I just don’t know what I will do if things don’t change and if I lose her. We get small amounts of good news and then we get the bad news that goes with it as well.
I realize that I am a Pastor though, even if I don’t have a church proper, even if I’m not doing it full time it’s what I am. This realization came as I was sitting in this waiting room. I am not the one that sits I am the one that comforts, and prays for and listens to. I’m the one that helps the Family and now I’m the one that is sitting in the waiting room praying that God will heal my wife, even as I shake my fist at God and ask him why and what’s more.
I know all the answers I have taught them, but those answers don’t matter, all of those answers are true but can be so cliche’. Do I believe in God? Yes, Do I trust him? Yes and no. Am I angry at Him? Yes. My wife is the most spectacualr woman around, she is the most important person in the world, strong, loving, giving and there is not a thing I can do I can’t no matter how hard I try make myself feel anyting but loss and grief and anger. If you are a praying person please pray for J. If you aren’t then know that I understand why you dont pray, I understand what it’s like to feel like your banging your fists on the door of heaven and hear the hollow sound of emptiness.
I am banging my fists right now. I have been for a long time and this whole sad situation makes that banging even more pronounced.
God is listening though. It’s not as hollow as it used to be. It’s populated, there are sounds of life and laughter and music and sorrow and pain. I am a man of God, I will always be and there is no way I can run away from that, at the same time I believe that My God is big enough for me to yell at him a bit and to tell him he’s wrong and to cry on his shoulder and to put him in a box and to blame him. He is big enough to fix J right now where she is, and he is big enough to tell me and her that it’s time for her to leave. If he does tell her to leave though I know that He and I will have a long road ahead, I know that I will be angry and bitter, I know that I will not want to follow not want to serve. I know I will run as far from him as I can if he takes her away. I know this, and so does he. but along with all the things that I know all those things that are and all the running and anger and screaming and blaming that I will do of my God I also know that he will not leave me, he will not abandon me, he will be there when I’m ready to stop what i’m doing and turn to him and I know that when I call on him he will answer me He makes me that promise. He will not stop being God even when I stop believing in HIm, and he will not push me away when I realize that He is doing things in His time in HIs way and that He really does have the best in mind. He will be there with arms wide open when I stop running and he will act like I’ve always been right where he is right by his side, the cool thing is for him it won’t be an act, for him it will be a reality. He will not leave me He will not abandon me He will be waiting to put his arms around me and accept me again as is.