Sounds like a strange title for a blog, but bear with me.
I have been afraid of church and have been loathing the old Aaron for a while. Getting over it has been hard and I have begun to but there are times when memories rush in and I cry about the past and what I was and where I would be that kind of thing. I have been editing my facebook page, not getting rid of people but hiding them and such because there really is no point.
When I took this part time thing in VA it was a big step. I admit that Tuesday meetings are hard mainly because it’s the same day and sitting in a meeting and doing church stuff is a big reminder. The thing is I’m starting to love the people more than i intended, I’m wanting to do more than is required. I am wanting to jump in all the way not just with both feet but I’m really wanting to go to the spring board take a few jumps and then do a big ol cannonball into it.
This is where the fear and loathing come in. I just can’t. I keep reminding myself not to not to get attached not to get into deep relationship to keep it a job. I loath myself for that and fear for myself because that is not a good way to do things but i can’t seem to bring myself to do what my heart longs to do.
It’s just like Paul says the thing i want to do I dont and the things I dont want to do I run to.