Seeking closure is something that people associate with death. Well there has been a death the death of all that I have known and all that I ever was, which of course means that I need to get some closure. I need things to be done, it looks as if this is finally going to happen, then what?

Well a few things. The people that I thought I needed to hear from I find I don’t really need to hear from. I have no desire to talk to or see people that I knew, at least I keep telling myself that. I’m sure soon I’ll believe it.

People wonder what I would do or why I’m not trying to do things. I just am so afraid of it all, plus I just don’t want to have the relationships any more. I just want to put my head down and take care of my kids and work at some job or whatever. Calling bah humbug, gifting who cares, desires not allowed to have them or not allowing myself to have them.

Ministry is over for me and after april first I will be able to forget or at least I’ll tell myself that I can and sometimes thats the only thing we can do. Recognize that perception is reality and that we do make our own truth. I’ll just manufacture one that says I’m happy and that I don’t need the people and the work that I was born to do.

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